a plaGue of appreciation....

There are many realities in my life that continually astound me as I try to help myself become a more mature individual. In fact the list would be endless I believe.

For me one of those would be that long after an emotionally distressing event WHEN I am so over brooding about it and WHEN I CAN study it with a more rational perspective, realization strikes me that I must even be grateful for having traversed through such an experience!

In the more recent and incongruous cases, they involve MEN.....(ohhh if women are from Venus men must be from another galaxy!!!!). A classic example would be a guy who treats me more warmly and intimately than I expected him to do so. I mean at this point in my life I normally assign a certain level of connection to men who are in my life. Some deserve the warm, emotionally thermal treatment from me while others get the more civil and slightly distant side of me. It's like "hierarchizing" them so that I may know how much to give of myself and how little to withdraw too. I know you must be confused why I do this but I am certain I am not alone in giving these assignations.

But some of these guys give me the wrong signals and skew my satellite network in more ways than one. I get the feeling that they are giving more of themselves than they ought to be giving and so I would develop the tendency to reciprocate that self-exposure they are doing then suddenly the connection becomes so barren and parched! Oh why oh why was I not exposed early in life to intimate attachments with my opposite sex! I would have been able to gain experience and not be so novel to the beguiling ways of males!!! Hahahahaha! But then again given the LIFE i chose I probably did not have much of an option. Somehow I should have expected and accepted that it was natural to have some level of stunting in the development of my opposite-sex minglings.

Let's go back to the original premise about bestowing gratitude on people or situations that have glared me with seemingly painful-at-first but eventually-remedying-and-immunising realities of life. I must indeed give thanks to several individuals who have done me wrong most especially emotionally because they all gave me a reason to realize not only were they jerks hahahahha but also the act of pushing me away from themselves had a rather perversely positive effect of beneficiality on my well-being and self-awakenings. I mean who knows? They probably were giving me wrong signs which I misunderstood in the first place right? So there you are that's a positive realization again that some men are more deceitful than others and of course that some aren't too! It makes my awareness and sonar stronger and more attuned to the beguiling AND sincere (as well!) ways of people in general! Another revelation would be I probably underestimate my fear factor too much! Some men are probably just scared of my qualities including my brains when rationalization hits them. Am I too good for them???? Do they deserve to be happy? Aaargh!!!!! That has crossed my mind for a very select few individuals (And they deserve it!!! hahahaha) but of course very rarely and rightly so! That's going back to the rationale of them being arses don't you think? But please do not misunderstand me. I do not want to believe that because I never wanted to dwell on my SELF too much because I have never been one to be too vain about what attributes I have.

In the end I guess I should just be happy and give these individuals credit because they made me grow as a person especially in the social aspect of my personal life. I have issues and I do admit it but I know I am still capable of growth in this department. I should all just count them as bookmarks that I can turn to whenever I want to review that certain chapter when I encounter a similar page in my personal relationships diary.