To err is divine...

"[Gazing at a ruined Hatsumomo in the streets] I could be her. Were we so different? She loved once. She hoped once. I could be her. I might be looking into my own future... Until the real future came falling from the air." - Sayuri (Memoirs of a Geisha (movie) 2005)

This startling line comes to me as a form of reality check. Because it is not illusory, it is what I face everyday. An inescapable reality that seems to haunt me every time I have to be with someone - someone who could be special or fatal to my own feelings.

This is in general not an attack on how devious men can get although they can be! It is just a glance at how sometimes you can feel something strange for someone who caresses you and treats you like a princess and makes you feel more special than anyone has ever treated you. There should be a chip ingrained in each one of us to remind us that the time you spent with a man is time spent in the dark, the abyss, a floating world with shadows, away from discerning eyes and the reality of HIS existence. Reality for a man in my world could be a wife and children, a girlfriend, or an institution he wants to respect by concealing his forbidden dalliances from the light of day.

But the ironic thing is you can never be an effective companion, an escort, unless you give something of yourself. There is always something from your heart that you have to share to make somebody feel special, loved so that as a consequence he returns back to you as a lover, a companion, even for a very short period. The liaison is kept strong, the connections tighter and the awkwardness dissipates like water evaporating on the pavement on a hot day. You have to love someone to an extent so that the symbiosis continues. This is vital to partnerships that last long.

Where does the fatality lie here? In my experience the danger resides in giving too much to someone to the point where you barely have an artery left in that pulsating heart of yours. Creating borderlines is an acumen you need to acquire if you were in my position. You have to be able to give some but retain some with the right portions on both sides. You are like a chemist, mixing compounds and making sure there isn't too much base and too much acid. Otherwise saturation of either substance will lead to dire consequences. This you do not want to happen.

The last thing you want to develop though is a cold heart. You cannot be stone to people because it is not human, it is not warm. Men do not desire an inanimate object, someone without affect. But neither do they want someone who is looking to get married right off the bat. Many men halt at the alarm signals of commitment, connecting right away without expending enough thought and know-how. These facts allude yet again to how someone like me needs to be good at creating boundaries and setting limits.

This...is the reality of life lived as an escort. You are manifestations of everything but you are master of nothing. You have to retain feelings and yet expend some. You have to please but work at being pleased too. You have to laugh and be sad, commiserate and sympathize. You are everything the women close to these men were not! You have no choice but to love but to expect love in return...catastrophic!

"The heart dies a slow death. Shedding each hope like leaves, until one day there are none. No hopes. Nothing remains." - Sayuri (Memoirs of a Geisha)