Friday, November 4, 2011

disjointed and pathetic...

The recent events of the past couple of weeks have sort of placed me in a creative and emotional slump. 

I've sort of lost something within the chaos of my inner self. I cannot put a finger on what it is. I am not necessarily pointing to negative events contributing to this event. Some wonderful circumstances have also made me lose myself in a toxic high and low. My moods swivel from exuberance to a paranoidal depression. I don't know what's happening. Everything happening in my life now takes on a dreamy phase. Sometimes I feel I am detached from my physical self and am watching the wonderful and pathetic realities of my life from a third-person perspective. 

I am drifting, floating through my daily existence. Going through my yoga classes like an automaton, seeing people and partying as if I have an obligation to make myself happy, keep the loneliness out of my life. Getting panicky about uncertain things in my future for no reason at all. The really bad thing is I know and am aware of what is happening and what is not. It seems like I can't get a grip on things too often

I attribute these feelings sometimes to my inhumane and large doses of hormones. It must be one contributing factor because a sudden jolt of hormones in every human being always reaches past the physical level and onto the mental. I do not discredit this reality. However this is an inevitable portion of my life. This is a reality I always face, that I must take massive doses so to make up for the months when I am not on them. 

My intoxicating attraction to Asian-Oriental looking guys is soaring like a heroin high. Anyone who looks Asian, well-proportioned and talks with an English/Aussie/American accent makes me go nuts. I met a half-Chinese and half Australian guy recently in Boracay island while I was there with friends and my thoughts were embroiled in a confused cocktail of desire, lust, affection.. Every sense of emotion seemed heightened. We were only flirting and fondling and kissing each other on the beach for less than half an hour but I strangely felt a connection. I feel very fragile as a result. I can't shake it off. My friends told me it will be so easy for me to get another guy. But that singular event is embedded like a parasite in my system. 

I'm also very attracted to a gay man if that make any sense to my already wrecked situation. It is quite insane for me to post this because he is a very close friend. This I shall keep to myself and not expound too much on here. I avoid him like the plague because I am afraid of getting too close. I will not get too close. 

I know I am rambling but I feel lost. I feel so much discord in my life the past couple of weeks. Maybe I need therapy, maybe I need a good chastising.

I hope I get my act together and write something significant here....

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hi Salma
I' don't really know, but it seems to me that you want the consistency of a steady boyfriend or at least a friend that you can count on, spend time with, talk to. Without having to worry if they will be there for you in the future. In other words you seem to want a good boyfriend or friend to count on to be your best friend, that will keep your words in confidence, and not make them public. But will still be willing to give you their best advice and not tell anyone else, unless you don't mind.
It also sounds like you can't make up your mind about who or what kind of a guy you want to be your boyfriend. And that maybe you expect him to be the one to take the chance of being rejected by telling you how he feels about you, without you doing the same about him.
You don't always have to put your feelings in words to let others know how you feel about them. You can do it with actions as well. Think about what you really want in your lifetime and then try to go after it. At least then you will know that you have tried and that it's not your fault that you didn't at least give it a chance. No, risk taken will give you no rewards. Is it risky, yes, will it make you feel as thou you have done your best to give it a chance? Only you can answer that.

Do Your Best
Caring Isn't A Flaw
Best Wishes, Ben

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