i'll miss you

Now this is what I hate about deaths within the family. Somebody dies in the family and everyone gets to see everybody because everyone wants to sympathize, commiserate with the bereaved ones. People from afar go back home or people you don't see within your own backyard comes out of the woodwork to sympathize, pray, hear Mass - the usual. It is just so miserable even thinking about this. Why don't people ever wanna see people under blue skies, not under dark clouds????

They're forgetting the fact that before the person died there was an opportunity, a chance to make more of an effort to reach out, keep in touch, to touch, to talk, to even familiarize, to just be a little bit personal. There's that reality that what could have been, COULD HAVE BEEN! Don't you think life is so fucked up because of this reality? But then again, regret never comes first otherwise too many lives would be too perfect altogether!

Well this is my story and this person's too. She was actually the wife of my cousin and I remember her to be so gentle, so benign, and forgive me if there is a negative connotation to this, passive almost. She just blended into the background because she was one of the nicer persons within the family. She was always there, the soft-spoken one, the one you could always talk to without warranting any negative feedback. Life was not too kind to her too. Her husband, my cousin, deserted her when the big C took over her life and body. It was like a sort of evil spirit took over him from which no amount of exorcism could fight the demons. She had to resort to her own sisters and brothers for support during her last few months. She needed lots of emotional support during that time and her husband's side of the family, US, were not there for her. I somehow feel guilty. Time and circumstance was too quick to snatch her away from us.

Now I cried during one of the speech her sister gave during the funeral Mass. Because she painted a most clear picture of her sister - always smiling, never angry, never offensive, always the most beautiful among her siblings and she painted a sad image of her final days too. Her husband's desertion, how she clung to him despite the neglect SIMPLY because HE was her husband, she loved him and only death will do them separation from each other. It was disheartening for me.

I think the only way I can atone for not ushering in emotional support is by lending a hand to her daughter. Yes she did have one daughter, and she is the exact replica of her Mom. She looks just like her actually - beautiful and benign. I will do my utmost best to be always be there, to be in touch with her because she is her Mom's legacy to the world and to our family.

Farewell Ate S. You are always here in my heart....