In my never-ending life of hotel rooms, exotic places, strange-sounding people and missteps leading onto unexpected adventures, there has always been the MAN of the MOMENT.
I guess he cannot be defined by anything and yet I can break down the elements that constitute him. Dark, different, subtle, slim and deep? A demeanor that strikes a chord inside me? Maybe the manner by which he carries himself in front of me or an invisible appeal that I can't quite pinpoint but which renders me vulnerable to his fatal charms?
Or maybe the settings of the meeting help define that person? Darkness invading the scenery with an inkling of visibility provided for by a weakish illumination, lyrical traces of tones and sounds arising from speakers that are well-beyond my line of vision, a drink offered right before I settle and look for a level of comfort in the new surroundings? Do these factors coalesce to define the man of the moment? Or are they just unnecessary appendages to a whole that should not be needing these parts?
I have to admit in any trip wherever it is, there is always that guy I cannot stop thinking about after the encounter - a person I attach a song, an object, an idea to. There will be agonizing minutes when I keep reliving the moments over and over again, the details bursting at the seams because of how magnified the emotions I attach to each one of them, a struggle not to take the phone and send him something significant or worthless if I may say so. Ahhh I hate the feeling of that gallbladder-stone-stuck-in-my-mind. feeling!!! Am i making sense here? Yes I hope!
It is always a challenge for me to unhitch myself from these meanderings. Freeing myself from the thoughts of what could have been or what if or what might have happened is a struggle I always find myself in. Most of all questions of "was it anything more than that?" or "will we see each other again?" are the most plaguing queries that haunt me during these episodes of paranoia, insomnia, manic-depression among many things! Sometimes I feel like I might go over the edge anytime...
Accepting that this is a reality I will always have to face every time i venture out onto strange territories, meet new people, encounter charm in all forms and guises IS the first step I think to conquering this emotion. But knowing that everything will pass once I start to carry on with other activities, meet other people and divert myself with a myriad of activities and eventually settle into an emotional and mental homeostasis of some sort IS the best way I can assure myself that I definitely will NOT go off the deep end!!!!
3 comments:
Liisa, yes, unhitch yourself from these meanderings. In this game, whichever side you're on, at some point you meet somebody special and wonder what might be.
If things are meant to be, they will be. Yes, it's easy to say but there's always going to be lingering thoughts especially after a good encounter.
At the end of the day we're all human.
By the way, Cheer up mate I know it's a helluva thing being stuck in a hotel room. Take care.
On the other side of the coin, how do I deal with one of these brief encounters when I think that it could be so much more? Am I living a fantasy or is there a real connection?
This rather surreal life we lead asks so many questions and gives so few answers. Only uncertainty is certain and I'm not sure of that!
For a hopeless romantic like myself there is always the dream and if sometimes that leads to a modicum of hurt then it call also lead to a period of great joy.
While some might say this is a bit unbalanced, I am cheered by the words of the great Joan Rivers "Let me tell you about balanced! Dead is balanced, living is unbalanced - it hardly seems a difficult choice!"
hey, did u write ur yourself?
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