cavernous instances....

Sometimes i sink into an abyss of unhappy memories...sometimes all of them flooding me yet other times a particularly negative stimulus would hit me once....but no matter what the count, they seem to always engulf me with the pain I knew I felt during those circumstances...I do not know when these moments strike but they come and go as they like and they leave me feeling weak and listless....

Two classmates I had when i was entering secondary school are part of the darkness of the abyss I tried to describe earlier...

I will never forget their names and I even meet them occasionally when I am out with friends or out of town. But what they did punctured my soul so badly that I could never probably forgive them. There could never be a more classic circumstance of BULLYING than the scenario I played out with these two characters. I never understood why they would always try to make fun of me and then when i retorted with my smartass remarks they would become very offensive with me. I could not even count the times they became too physical with me. The experience could last from a few minutes a day to a whole day of agony for me. It had even come to a point where I wanted to change school and I had told my Mom about my desire to do so but she kept insisting that I should deal with them as humanely as possible and they will most likely stop doing what they were doing. I felt trapped during those years.

There would be moments of pure bliss when they would just leave me alone or one of them would be absent but those were rare occurrences. They were often there to torment me...They made me feel so unworthy, unattractive and unwanted. I knew I was smarter than most then but they almost often had a way of making me feel down during the rest of my day.

Many years have passed since I last met these people but the wounds they have inflicted are deep and indelible. I was never the same person because of both of them. Well you can always see the glamorous facade but you will never know the girl who was the unfortunate victime of bullying in her earlier years....Almost anything I do socially manifests the frightened young girl who felt vulnerable to their attacks...

I wanted to consider doing therapy for this but decided against it. I would not know what to say or do and I always wanted to tell myself that those were childhood wrongdoings and they probably did not mean it during that time but I knew more than that. I know that I would never be able to get over these negative thoughts if I did not voice them out to someone who I could scream, rave, shout, and cry with. This person has to understand that immersing myself emotionally in the debilitating experience of reliving those memories and dealing with them through therapy and counselling is the only course to saving the frightened girl and throwing a sparkle of light into the abyss which beckons during those unexpected moments....