on repeat mode...:)

Love love love love this unique-sounding song....

And there are two versions. The first one is the one on repeat mode on my playahh!!!

MTV Shows

Relevance in Discord...

Who was it who said all rationality goes out the window when you are in the hazy and intoxicating presence of someone you have desired for so long? I don't think anybody penned that quote but I suppose something similar has come up in the annals of literary history. Nevertheless these words are not enough to describe this feeling of emotional inertia gone topsy-turvy inside me. Ohh how to shake this off and move on to the normal pace of living I had been accustomed to!

As I write this entry, I am listening to the soothing voice of a female jazz artist, the soft but firm background of piano, bass, acoustics etcetera accompanying her. It is an organized mess which weaves waves of tone and symphony around the abode I am in. It is tres fantastic, molto inspiring and mucho magnifico. It is making my fingers type and my mind think of moments. Moments gone by and frozen in the corners of my tired brain. Memory will take care of these tokens and hopefully turn them into indelible prints which I can glance at when the past beckons me to abandon the stresses of the present.

Did I tell you about my arcane fixation on men's forear

ms? I love to hold a man's hands, that portion between his hand and his elbow...they are emblems of a man's strength, character, predisposition. Feel his veins, the throbbing of them, it melts me in an unknown way. I know this, the feeling is still palpable...I just held a man's arms this way not so long ago and it was paradise! Strange I know but so positively

me...

It is beautiful to rant and ramble like this. I haven't done it in a long time I think unless I was chopping somebody's head off and making fun of somebody. It is nice to just lay off the steam from the pressure valves like this. Leave intellectuality for a while and just let my hair down. This is therapeutic, this is great

Going back to tearing people to shreds here in my wonderful little space on the net, I can say iI am way past all that now. I can say I am more mellow, a bit more mature, not necessarily friendly but probably less belligerent and a lot more understanding. Although the insanity is still here. Still I think I have managed to parlay myself into a being who has more substance now. Someone who unleashes herself at the right time and definitely in more personal and unobtrusive circumstances.

I think I will stop thinking when I am with him. What we have is something akin to discord in harmony. You know what I mean? There is a detachment to reality when I am in his arms. Yet it is so real and it is so strange and everything we do is spontaneous. He has his kinks and I have mine. We reach a middle ground. There is our harmony.

Ahhh to ramble like this....like a salve to the senses...

I've got you under my skin....I have got you deep in the heart of me..So deep in my heart that....beautiful last song to end my senseless tirade on this warm little space of mine...

uncomplicated joys...

The greatest compliment you can pay yourself is to surprise YOU! Yes, I can say that because I experienced that just today, despite concerns of being uncomfortable, missing a ladies' singles 3rd round match on tennis TV, bringing too little or too much food among a lengthy list of worries. I decided to pull myself together and friends to accomplish something that was ordinarily so not me!


I have too many acquaintances and friends to put together in one room so let alone track all of them. They're all over the place, some of them are in government work, call centers, the entertainment industry etcetera. There are people who tend to lead the more mundane, lackluster but rather comfortable life while there are people I know who have led wayward lifestyles and a few of them have had brushes with the law. Some of them have been unfortunate enough to be doing time in jail for trespasses proven by a court of law or anything resembling legality in any form.






This was originally a friend's idea and he had mentioned it to me but it took root in my mind rather steadfastly. It was something I could not remove that easily from my thoughts and the longer I thought about it, the more it took on flesh and blood. He proposed visiting a few of our friends from the gay/Ts community in Mandaue City who were unluckily in prison right now for a variety of crimes. It would just be a simple visit to check on them, chat them for a bit, bring them a bit of food which I am sure they were not able to enjoy inside, he said. I said YES because it sounded easy enough but you all know that feeling when we approve of something rather quickly when it's imposed on us all of a sudden and then when the rational "US" takes over, apprehension takes over and lots of questions form in our minds. But then for me this wasn't the case. As the days unraveled the whole idea just suddenly became uncomplicated and more elementary when I thought about it, covered all the loopholes I myself created and answered all my own questions.



So it was all systems go. My friend has this tendency to procrastinate but we decided to do it today, Sunday, the 30th of the month. I prepared food to bring with us. I had to unlock his lazy knot and nudge him off of his sleep by giving him a call and then we were on our way.



Prison has its own protocol and we soon learned it even before we set foot inside. There were no objects of questionable appearance and shape allowed inside. We had to leave our cellphones in the car. They tasted my bubblegum to make sure it was just gum and checked on my credit cards on the assumption perhaps that they might be sharp enough to warrant as weapons? It bordered on the ridiculous but I am sure experience is on their side and they would probably have been prepped to play the percentages and make sure nothing illegal could be exchanged inside. That is pretty understandable to me.



The conditions inside the city jail were not the best if I may be allowed to say so. There are at least 8 people tucked into one room there with every possible space maximized. Double-decked beds and tiny tables and chairs of every imaginable shape and size were tucked into tiny cells. Was it Lilliput on a slightly more human scale? The place was packed with too many people. I felt quite disturbed though that I was actually inside the jail. My mind programmed the occasion to take place in some receiving area within the building. I would be talking to my prison friends seated on wooden chairs, food on a white, lengthy table and the place reasonably ventilated from the open space. Too many prison movies logged onto my mind perhaps? Reality bit too hard as I was really really surprised to find myself and friends INSIDE an actual prison cell and talking to our gay friends who were doing time there.



There were lots of stories to tell. They did most of the talking but it was intoxicating being a whiteboard that just soaked everything in. The number one topic of course was MEN and how they were inside the prison. It was unusual and perhaps discombobulating to know that they were treated as women inside and were accorded the respect and dignity they deserve (as women!!). Many of them have "husbands" inside and there were ''marriage contracts" and "divorces" too which facilitated laughter and fascination in a hazy mix from US, the listeners. There was a lot of sex but you could not be a "whore" inside prison because men who are attached to you get jealous when you hook up with another person. Someone was bound to tell if you were playing two fields and things get around rather quickly. Fights would break out over lovers quite easily, they said. They talked about pageants and this brought on a healthier participation on both sides as most of them were curious to know about the goings-on outside. Of course what would a gay/TS conversation be without comments on how you look or how fat or thin you have become? Not to mention the standard gossip about people, places and events and significant banter about rather insignificant things hehehhe



It is easy to get caught up on the stories and sometimes even flash an enviable stare or two at them because of the abundance of men inside but reality sets in when you think about their highly regimented life, quality of living and health inside and lack of freedom to compartmentalize your life the way you want it organized. When they talk about the kind and the amount of food they were being fed, the food I brought took on an ambrosia-like quality that I never thought was there. When we bought them cigarettes it was as if manna had fallen from heaven. They went insane over a few sticks of cigarettes. Reality is everything that we could easily procure outside took a bit more effort to acquire inside. When they talked about punishment I cringed at the thought that they were castigated with a weapon made out of rubber, and steel which inflicted purplish welts on one's body. These are realities that put things into perspective. There is a reason why my friends were there and there is a reason why the place exists.



This was a very powerful experience for me. And what happened in the hour and a half we were there is still unraveling and being absorbed by my conscious and subconscious thoughts right now. The place was another dimension and an entity on its own. This was a different experience because I realized that there was a microcosm there with realities and characters that provided my friends brief moments of comfort and even affection. It was a different experience because the appreciation for many things I have became magnified. It was a different experience because the malleability of the human character shows when negative experiences lead you to learn life the hard way, you learn to adjust, you learn to mold yourself into something you would never have thought was possible.....



I totally surprised myself by getting out of the box known as my comfort zone and doing this for people who were mere acquaintances. I guess it did not matter their proximity to my circle of friends but I can say this is how charity takes form. You do something because you believe in a cause and the reasons behind doing it are sufficient and important enough for you to take action. I would say this is a compliment to myself because I realize afterwards I am capable of more than my fair share of abilities. I can stretch myself to do things I would never have thought was possible and it makes me happy to know this....



The most memorable moment I had while I was there was seeing a neighbor I used to see very often when I was still going out a lot. We were not that close but I just knew him by frequency of sight. He was extremely young and I was shocked to find him there. It turns out he was in jail for killing someone a couple of years ago. He and friends were involved in a brawl quite close to where I lived and it led to something fatal. He told me nobody had visited him for two years now. It was a sad reality for someone so young. I was quite disturbed though by this one question I asked him the first time I saw him. It still bugs me even up to this moment I am writing this entry. It was simple enough though, nothing complicated, none of the obtuse ideas that come right out of my head...... "Why are you here?" .....

What used to be a slice of heaven...

In an obscure little corner about a block from where I live is a slice of heaven on Earth. There is a narrow, short alley leading to this paradise, sort of strange considering how positively ugly the pathway looked with ordinary cement walls on both sides and how extraordinary the place it led to was. This was from way back in my childhood days when the sun was a friend and we were tireless and taut. I would often go there with my cousins to buy beautiful little creatures that we put in our aquariums and tiny little ponds.



I could still very well remember the owner's name. We called him Mr. Vic. HE seemed like a magician to me. He had the "water" thumb. He sold and bred freshwater fishes of almost all varieties. Everywhere in his little nook where small, beautiful, green ponds filled with the most vibrant and beautiful fishes I have ever seen. There were platys, swordtails, carps and kois, plecostomuses, mollies, barbs among so many things. His ponds were very tastefully decorated too with well-placed lotuses and weeds. Fishes of all sizes swam and glided gracefully along the moss-covered bottoms and their leafy surroundings. There were canopy-like stretches of trees to keep his charming little nook cool and sort of darkish which added to the mystique of the place in my imagination.



It was all just so overwhelming for me that I thought I could never leave this place. I even thought of living there as his surrogate daughter or his son for old times' sake haha! It would have been a perfect scenario for me. I guess it was my love for everything fluid and aquatic and placid which had me thrilled to be always going there and spending a considerable time before leaving. I was penniless way back then and I could not buy too many of his finned merchandise...




As I look back from the outside at this place now that I am older, a bit more mature and perhaps with some cynicism to me, I've often thought how time has slipped by too fast for me to forget that I used to marvel at how beautiful this place used to be. How does it look inside now? I probably would never get a chance to see it considering it is closed in the evenings and I am now most of the time a creature of the night and the sun has become an enemy? Is the man still alive and does he still have the magic in him? Does the place still hold an allure to me if I am led to it again? Maybe it will hold a different meaning for me now that I have experienced too many things, both bad and good? It might be a cure for my depressive episodes these days or an abomination of a reminder from my once-monotonous childhood days?




Isn't life ironic? Now that I'm earning money it seems I have almost lost my desire for the beautiful, little things in his mystical, little nook? Or is this indicative of deeper things such as a general disinterest for so many things that I used to like? Have I lost my passion for the simpler joys that the world has to offer? Maybe this is the process of moving on to more fruitful endeavors or have I just lost myself in the tepid, murky waters of time and life?

The Real BoyF LOL!!!!!!

I miss my baby!!!!!!!!!!



Damn Damn damn Shanghai LOLLLLLL !!!!!!!




I love you babe!! I'm gonna be with you soon kisssssss!!!!!

Restlesness....

This seems to be the only tune associated with..... yes!...him, the hombre in the previous blog!!!

...and try as I might to avoid the song, I really find myself going back to it...





What else can I say? Alicia Keys is the bomb- fantastic voice and a beautiful woman.

The song is haunting, perplexing, strained, restless, very personal and for me, totally relevant :-(

to him who plagues me...

In my never-ending life of hotel rooms, exotic places, strange-sounding people and missteps leading onto unexpected adventures, there has always been the MAN of the MOMENT.



I guess he cannot be defined by anything and yet I can break down the elements that constitute him. Dark, different, subtle, slim and deep? A demeanor that strikes a chord inside me? Maybe the manner by which he carries himself in front of me or an invisible appeal that I can't quite pinpoint but which renders me vulnerable to his fatal charms?




Or maybe the settings of the meeting help define that person? Darkness invading the scenery with an inkling of visibility provided for by a weakish illumination, lyrical traces of tones and sounds arising from speakers that are well-beyond my line of vision, a drink offered right before I settle and look for a level of comfort in the new surroundings? Do these factors coalesce to define the man of the moment? Or are they just unnecessary appendages to a whole that should not be needing these parts?




I have to admit in any trip wherever it is, there is always that guy I cannot stop thinking about after the encounter - a person I attach a song, an object, an idea to. There will be agonizing minutes when I keep reliving the moments over and over again, the details bursting at the seams because of how magnified the emotions I attach to each one of them, a struggle not to take the phone and send him something significant or worthless if I may say so. Ahhh I hate the feeling of that gallbladder-stone-stuck-in-my-mind. feeling!!! Am i making sense here? Yes I hope!




It is always a challenge for me to unhitch myself from these meanderings. Freeing myself from the thoughts of what could have been or what if or what might have happened is a struggle I always find myself in. Most of all questions of "was it anything more than that?" or "will we see each other again?" are the most plaguing queries that haunt me during these episodes of paranoia, insomnia, manic-depression among many things! Sometimes I feel like I might go over the edge anytime...




Accepting that this is a reality I will always have to face every time i venture out onto strange territories, meet new people, encounter charm in all forms and guises IS the first step I think to conquering this emotion. But knowing that everything will pass once I start to carry on with other activities, meet other people and divert myself with a myriad of activities and eventually settle into an emotional and mental homeostasis of some sort IS the best way I can assure myself that I definitely will NOT go off the deep end!!!!

the music of duplaix...

sensual, beautiful, fantastic, surreal, sexual, erotic, suave, magnetic, personal......


His music stirs me in every way possible....


Now it's your turn to listen!!!!!!










P.S. I have 18 followers on my blog now!!! I've come a long way....Get yourself recognized and be a follower too!!!!

I love you all!!!!

Achtung VIP members!!!!!

Hello VIPssssss!!!!!!!


Teasers of my new photos are in the VIP group photos section already....and I'm telling you that was the most exhaustive shoot and the most beautiful, sensual, classiest photos me and my team have ever produced!!!


I will put up the full sets in the next couple of days so fret not!!!!



I love you all!!!!



Da wicked winklergirl rocks!!!!!!!



http://groups.yahoo.com/group/liisawinklergirl/ is the link to my group!!!!!!!!

Happy Birthday!!!!

Happy 3rd Birthday blog!!!!!!!!!!!



and here's to the new man in my life....



say hello to FIGO!!!!!!!!!!

V to inspire....

As the years trickle by I've come to know many people (too many in fact!) and counted some of them in as friends who are in many ways indispensable in my daily existence. The scenarios with which many of them have entered my life have been as varied as the permutations with which any writer can draw his plots from, it's just simply too vast to cover all of them. With the friends I have collected, few people have come to inspire me greatly. But one person who I felt should have been marked as a major source of inspiration has been in my life for a really long time albeit he has gone in and out of it at various points.



I shall call him V here for reasons of anonymity. We were classmates when I was in high school and he is fantastic to be with. He is talkative, funny, hopelessly gay and cooperative and noisy. We had lost in common like the love for showbiz personalities, cartoons, and the love to be active. Although I could never really compare our closeness to that of brother and sister, nevertheless we have been buddies for the longest time. He suffered some form of polio on his right leg when he was very young so while he was growing up he learned to walk with his left leg as his base leg and in a way dragged his right leg as a result. This did not deter him in any way though. We played hours and hours of tag and many other games during free times at school. His physical disability melted when we were in the playground. He was just as able and as fast as anyone during our games.



In high school, any major source of scrutiny especially when it came to appearance often became the object of much teasing and poking fun at. Of course if you acted and looked different you subjected yourself to some form of entertainment for the bullies. I don't know though with V, he managed to dodge these spears of petty teasings with an unidentifiable wit which never really seemed to bother him. He would retort insults with more effective forms of non-offensive verbiage. It came so naturally to him it was quite amusing to watch. What more likely happened if somebody poked fun at him was the transgressor ended up looking idiotic when V hurled back with his clever retorts. It's either V has developed a very effective mechanism or he is just a natural-born fighter. He will not let anybody or anything bring him down - not negativity, not bickerings and certainly not the physical advantage of other people. He is admirable for me in so many ways.




I never really pondered on this reality until more recent times when I spent some time with him and high school friends during the Valentine's day period this year. We rented a small house in the beach and caught up on the latest. It had been years since we last met and when we met the usual flurry of screamings and teasings all done in good humor peppered our conversations. It was funny and beautifully nostalgic to be back in high school at least in prose. We talked about old classmates and the funniest scenarios we were ever in when we were younger, silly and insane. It was a heady experience and I loved every minute of it! I wish we could do this on a more regular basis!




The reason why I innately enjoyed being with him again is I think I wanted to relive the days of innocence and lackadaisical living. I was so happy during that time and had no regard for the ills of the world. Also I was looking at him as a well-spring of inspiration for me throughout the years which was only realized very recently. He is a character I will cherish as a friend for life, the moments we spent together will forever be pearls drawn together in a necklace I will place in a jewelry box called my happiest moments....

Thoughts during my Convalescence...

Isn't it lovely when you read the challenging words coming from a blogger who you know is really experienced in the department of writing and creating ideas to form a blog entry? And not just some randomly picked word from the more unknown annals of the Webster's? It takes years and years of developing conversational and writing skills to be up at par with the best (not that I am at optimum level myself) so one shouldn't cover it up with big English words just to impress people hehehehe






Ahhh the musings of a girl during her convalescent period. I am now ready to spread my wings again and emerge from the cocoon I placed myself again. To rise from hibernation like a rodent during the spring! What rodent, what cocoon?????? Hahaha Of course yet another surgical procedure tucked under my belt is what I'm hinting at. I was in Bangkok a couple of weeks ago yet again, that wicked city which churns out Barbie dolls like shoes in an Italian leather factory, to get closer to becoming the Brazilian Barbie that I want to be. Don't you dare chastise me for my procedures hahaha! She who shuns the knife shuns the reality that human beings can come as close to perfection if we just have the will and well cash.



And of course I won't share with you the transformation I have undergone yet again haha. Only a handful of people close to my heart know what I have had done and I want it to remain that way. But it won't be long before anybody notices because I am going to have the best photoshoot EVERRRR in years soon with so many of the most beautiful lingerie, shoes and accessories my VIP fans have sent me, so fret not, oh commoner for ye shall be informed too! Of course naturally my VIP fans have the first glimpse right after pictorial day. God knows when you, the hoi polloi, shall be able to see it, bless you!


Here are my latest thoughts on the issues that touch, affect, disturb and induce lack of sleep on yours truly....



The Tiger Woods forgiveness speech:



The biggest joke I have ever heard in quite a while. We already know all the words from his speech never came from the heart so I guess the biggest question now is WHO DID HIS ABOMINATION OF A SPEECH hahahaha. Another question is how long will it take before he switches his mobile phone on and starts calling his well-paid ho's left and right hahaha. Seriously 6 months of therapy would have done him better than doing this speech too soon.




Russia's crash from gold medal winning-ways on the Olympic figure-skating podium:







This is seriously one issue that is disturbing and shocking for me because I have always been a big fan of Russia's sports system back in their heydays (re: read blog on the Soviet sports system several pages back). There was a time when Russian pairs placed 1st, 2nd or 1st, 3rd on the medals podium but now it seems that many teams have trounced them from their pedestals. Now it is quite painful to say that we are witnessing a changing of the guard in the figure skating competition. It is a big irony too that in this year's Winter Games in Vancouver the Chinese, who dominated the pairs competition, copied their sports system from the same Soviet sports machine that manufactured world-class skaters.



Plus Plushenko losing the men's individual gold medal that was already his after the short program was too much to take. American Lysacek who won the gold, played it safe with a program that was for the grannies who liked fancy costumes while Evgeni Plushenko pushed the boundaries and took risks with the quadruple jump or toe-loop or whatever they call it. I almost killed myself when the American won it over Plushenko. Maybe I should blame the faulty judging system?


The demise of Alexander McQueen





This one least affects me really as I am not privy to his designs or know him at any personal level but in one way or another his visual concoctions have influenced many things that came out of the style orbit. Be it bags, shoes, clothes anything worth wearing, McQueen probably had some say in some of the biggest trends in our lifetime. Plus more importantly some of my friends are designers who will miss anticipating his highly edgy and phenomenal creations each season. He will be missed indeed but I don't condone his method of extricating himself from the circle of life though sorry....


And last but not least I can't believe my addiction to this song from an odd combination of artists or more appropriately artist plus one. I don't consider Leighton Meester to be an A-list singer who can churn out good vocals from her pipes. If there is any comparison or reference in Meester's singing to that of a past singer wannabe's, it's Stephanie of Monaco in "Irresistible" decades ago hahahha. Of course one reason I probably love this current hit is because Robin Thicke is a fantastic artist and a handsome man so it helps Leighton's cause for her to get the credit of MOST-PLAYED-ON-MY-IPOD as of the moment....


Leighton/Robin Thicke:








Stephanie de Monaco:













Good bye and have a great week people!!!

Dutch anyone?

Hmmmm..... Kelly Van Der Veer is a fantastic beauty. She is Dutch and I have always loved how she looks. She is a big celebrity in her native Netherlands.

A huge favor to my Dutch-speaking fans/viewers and will you please help me understand the whole interaction by translating it to English? Although I have to admit the Dutch language is soft and easy on the ear and quite delightful to listen to :)

Oh and is the cutie seated on the red couch, in the brown jacket and ecru shirt, the guy that Kelly Van Der Veer (the girl in the middle) f**ked inside the Big Brother house during the 2001-2002 Dutch Big Brother season???? I wanna have some of that. Hahaha Gosh I love the tall Dutch men... hahahahaha






Oh and I know a lot of girls have been constructing blogs left and right...Just a cue to my copiers...don't let the heavy English words bring your blog down hahaha darlinggg hahahahaha


UPDATE!!!
Ahhhhh yes it's him Andries De Jong ... the guy Kelly fooled around with in the Big Brother house...












My oh my what a specimen. But unfortunately taken hahaha! No wonder I keep my liaisons with the Dutch men for as long as I can hahahahahaa



(Big thanks www.bigkelly.com for Kelly's wonderful photos and to http://big-andries.nl/ for the Andries' beautiful photos!!! I think it's his official website so give it a visit folks!!)