a city in metamorphosis

i bet very few people are aware that to "shanghai" someone is to take that person against his will into compulsory service. Well in a way the city of Shanghai in China is kind of like a city that is infusing economic prosperity and modernity into its veins and yet the place's will to preserve its faithfulness to their traditional roots continue to coagulate the domination of the red blood cells of modernization eventhough much of the city has become very Westernized...

There are many beautiful places in the most Westernized city of China so they say and yet there continues to be some areas that need improvement here...not that I'm saying that the Philippines is extremely perfect hahaha!!! For example some of the facilities of their restaurants and establishments are still a bit crude and perhaps maybe trespass many sanitary fences. For a modern city there is a pervading atmosphere to simply let things be as they are, even if it means risk of mediocrity or lack of sophistication...

Many young people in this city can speak very decent English, and most if not all stores have Western brands on their shelves now and yet probably close to a dozen to one is the ratio of poor-English speakers to those who can use the universal tongue. The Western brand products on a closer examination will bear frustratingly indecipherable hieroglyphic-esque Chinese letters which to my frustration do not indicate whether they are hypo-allergenic or 20% non-fat or 30%more calcium LOL. Again this is also a subtle sign of the pervading resistance to the adaptation of a new language (well in my view at least of which I may be wrong as some Chinese people may be simply lacking motivation to study English or the resources to go to good schools) ...

If there is a biologically symbolic description I can make of the city of Shanghai it is that of a caterpillar surging slowly with a wing, and an antennae half out of its cocoon and yet the remaining body parts left in the shapeless sac of its traditional existence. Some of its organs have embraced the total transformation afforded it by the economic processes governing the financial world these days. But not all of its physical systems have accepted the forces of change though . The rather weird reality may be that these remaining appendages and parts choose and want to remain in the fetal safety of their silk envelope instead of desiring to transfigure to complete the whole metamorphosis.

(Pictures to follow in the next entry.... Love you guys!!!! )

cavernous instances....

Sometimes i sink into an abyss of unhappy memories...sometimes all of them flooding me yet other times a particularly negative stimulus would hit me once....but no matter what the count, they seem to always engulf me with the pain I knew I felt during those circumstances...I do not know when these moments strike but they come and go as they like and they leave me feeling weak and listless....

Two classmates I had when i was entering secondary school are part of the darkness of the abyss I tried to describe earlier...

I will never forget their names and I even meet them occasionally when I am out with friends or out of town. But what they did punctured my soul so badly that I could never probably forgive them. There could never be a more classic circumstance of BULLYING than the scenario I played out with these two characters. I never understood why they would always try to make fun of me and then when i retorted with my smartass remarks they would become very offensive with me. I could not even count the times they became too physical with me. The experience could last from a few minutes a day to a whole day of agony for me. It had even come to a point where I wanted to change school and I had told my Mom about my desire to do so but she kept insisting that I should deal with them as humanely as possible and they will most likely stop doing what they were doing. I felt trapped during those years.

There would be moments of pure bliss when they would just leave me alone or one of them would be absent but those were rare occurrences. They were often there to torment me...They made me feel so unworthy, unattractive and unwanted. I knew I was smarter than most then but they almost often had a way of making me feel down during the rest of my day.

Many years have passed since I last met these people but the wounds they have inflicted are deep and indelible. I was never the same person because of both of them. Well you can always see the glamorous facade but you will never know the girl who was the unfortunate victime of bullying in her earlier years....Almost anything I do socially manifests the frightened young girl who felt vulnerable to their attacks...

I wanted to consider doing therapy for this but decided against it. I would not know what to say or do and I always wanted to tell myself that those were childhood wrongdoings and they probably did not mean it during that time but I knew more than that. I know that I would never be able to get over these negative thoughts if I did not voice them out to someone who I could scream, rave, shout, and cry with. This person has to understand that immersing myself emotionally in the debilitating experience of reliving those memories and dealing with them through therapy and counselling is the only course to saving the frightened girl and throwing a sparkle of light into the abyss which beckons during those unexpected moments....

repeat after me...

i shall sing the praises of the winklergirl....till the day I die....

oh winklergirl

oh winklergirl

oh winklergirl

we worship the shopaholic, shaggadelic, manic-depressive, eccentric, the non-abecedarian and the Patrician beauty that you are...Oh extraordinary specimen....we grovel at thy feet forever......


P.S. sorry guys been busy will catch up with a new entry and some new pictures of course :D

bitches, merfolks and scantily clad chicks...

i had a blast of a weekend!!!!

presenting.........

the whole shindig in various shades, hues and shapes :).......

the brat pack LOL........

more spoiled bitches.........

can i hug you like this????? hehehehhe............

thinspiration............ribs, ribs, ribs......blades, blades, blades.... i love them all!!!!!

the bitch and moi.....how can i conceal looking drunk???? LOL

ok i decided to take funny pictures too!!! hehehe

this fashion faux pas had to cross the saintliest critics which was the brat pack and of course got what she deserved...hell I mean...when did it ever become stylistically legal to wear your pajamas when you go swimming? hahahahahahahah!!!

dance bitch! dance bitch! to the tune of your aboriginal beats LOL

same university, different generations....spot the difference? hehehehe

this kid can dive, swim and flutter like an eel...so he deserves a pic with the winkler bitch LOL

Thou shall worship the divine Trinity...Linda, Christy, Naomi LOL

...time to say goodbye....of course not without a last pose from the Brat pack LOL....

arrivederci!!!!!

a drink for two....

Once upon a time, in the not-so-distant past....two kids who were siblings, would enter a fastfood joint that was famous in their school once or twice a month. They would go there on a Friday afternoon on each occasion when there would be no classes the next day. No, it wasn't the gigantic food chain with a bee for a mascot in the Philippines but nevertheless, this place was pretty packed on Fridays. Most of the customers were kids from their school. The two would order one small-sized orange shake and sit on a table facing each other and would take turns sipping the whole drink until it lasted. Although they wanted to order the giant burger on the menu on the counter or the red-hot delicious spaghetti or the crispy-looking chicken or even a bigger orange shake or a mango shake for a change, they couldn't. Why? Because they could not afford it. They both had to save what little they could from their allowance in one week before they could buy that one orange shake hehehe....

This story is etched on my mind because i was one-half of that partnership hehehe....

It is sad! Hehe but it was the cards me and my sister were dealt with. The family was not too stable financially yet. The mother and dad were a young couple and they were just starting to establish their family...

So me and my sister worked our way around it. We did not spend too much, we never wasted money. We saved when we could and every Christmas we broke open our piggy bank which was not really a pig in our case LOL but just a used container for rubbing alcohol where we placed our coins inside until we could count them at the end of the year hehe...

I would never understand but it seemed to me that I was happy and never complained about a lot of things during that time. I guess when there isn't too much abundance in one aspect of one's life there tends to be an unrecognized appreciation of what is really important...I never could pinpoint what made me so at ease even with the tight financial situation but it must have been the companionship my sister offered and the simplicity of life too. We both made everything so easy for both of us.

When me thoughts go back to these particular events in my life, it makes me very appreciative of what I have today. Learning to cherish each and every little trinket I purchase has become innate in me. Giving a lot of thought as to whether I need that article has become second-nature. People might sometimes mistake me for being a female Ebenezer Scrooge but they would never understand that I give a lot of thought before I ever buy something or before I ever treat someone. When you've only just started being able to enjoy the money you earn, old habits die hard. But I will never discard those old habits because somehow in many circumstances they have turned out to have more positive than negative effects. I guess the short yet remarkable story I wrote above gives me direction in my business transactions and has even probably helped me make positive decisions.

God bless that tiny orange shake and my sister!!! :)

Winklergirl Health Express.....

Hi!

I am your doctor-prescribed, medically-miraculous, over-the-counter, FDA-approved and Cash-on-Delivery babysitter....

May I come in?????

rediscovering the child....(myspace entry)

One of the best things about life is realizations can come to you in an instant...in a flash of a second...so quick and fast! You never expect something like that to happen but then it does and then after the moment, you start to contemplate about the moment...lessons learned, the past, what can be done to give significance to the moment...

Christmas Eve and I was late for the family dinner with uncles and aunts and cousins and nieces and nephews. I was eating all by myself at the dinner table and everyone was already enjoying themselves, talking and catching up on the latest news and updating themselves with the latest happenings in their lives and their current location and stuff like that...

I saw my favorite nephew and I asked him to approach me. I smothered him with kisses and on a very sudden impulse, asked him what he wanted as a Chrismas gift. He told me about a new wrist toy which he saw on one of his peers which made a bleeping sound when pressed. I had a feeling he was dying to have one of them and was green with envy at his pal. So I asked him to ask his mother how much the toy was. He said it was worth this and that and he already knew the price and need not ask his Mother. So i went back to my room to pick up some money and I had no idea he had followed me and was asking one of my house companions where I was. Haha...very precocious child...So i gave him some money and he asked my uncle, his grandfather to bring him to the store so he could buy the toy immediately! Haha see? I was right about him wanting so much to have that toy!

Then I thought, this is the probably best way to find your childhood again. To give back to the next generation what you received earlier in life. I mean as kids and even as adults we are all so preoccupied with what we can get out of something. What we can get out of a bond, out of a connection that we fail to see what we can give. As a kid I was always looking forward to these occasions because I would then be showered with gifts. It even came to a point where I wanted too much that I asked myself why I did not have that many godfathers or godmothers or uncles! It also came to a point where I thought it was obligatory for them to give me gifts on special occasions...Pathetic isn't it? But at that moment when I gave my young nephew a simple glimpse of momentary happiness, I was overwhelmed with emotions and I realized that feeling fulfilled does not only mean getting and winning it all but also making others feel happy at the thought that they received something from you. It is the very essence of sharing. To give back to others what you have received from other people....

depech mode...(myspace entry)

because of the dozens of worms and viruses one gets from the infamous music download engine limewire i decided to uninstall mine and promised myself to reinstall it only at times when i decided i needed new music to fill in one of my blank CDs or mp3 player....

Then Depeche Mode came into my life LOL
I reinstalled my limewire and downloaded all Depeche Mode songs and played them until my ears got hurt from listening to it all...Now ever the critique and analyst that I am..I am trying to analyze why I have suddenly spiralled into this obsession with their music! I am suddenly listening to nothing but Depeche mode! Oh God help! LOL

It has to be David Gahan's phenomenally haunting voice which borders between a perfect baritone and an eerie whisper which causes a deep reaction from his listeners...I mean which female listener does not feel some sexual pressure listening to his voice I feel it myself and I don't know how he has this effect on me...It is so weird and strange and I don't know how to describe it...maybe it's because his voice really digs deep into me or maybe it's not too easy to associate his plunging voice with that perversely cute face! hahahaha i am so weird...

Or maybe it's the group's unique way of attacking music...they have a beat they use which sounds very carnal and myterious which hooks the male listeners as well too! Ah astounding! I could never claim to be a music expert or a venerable critic but I think it is the lethal combination of those two..Gahan's voice and their unique musical wizardry that makes their music very very likable....

Right now I am so listening over and over one of their mid 90's song i think "It's no Good" and I love it! I love it I love it I love it...I adore it and I'm listening to it like crazy!!

Oh dear God bless Depeche Mode for making them a part of the musical industry and history as well...I sure hope they don't become history as they're not selling as much as during the New Wave Days of the 80's era but anyway being a CLASSIC is not too bad right?

girl interrupted in hongkong ...(myspace entry)

I don't know if my stay in Hongkong in December 2006 was a good one or a bad one. I can't simply describe the range of emotions that I went through, from getting crazy bored inside the four walls of my cavernous room to a point where i wanted to hang myself from sheer boredom and homesickness TO enjoying the simple ecstasy of carrying many shopping bags in my hand as I walked Nathan Road or Harbor City heheee...I know I'm shameless when it comes to impulsive purchases but I'm not a girl for nothing you know...well at least something resembling that hehe...

Anyway I think that the time I had in Hongkong was the most touristy type of travel I ever had...I know there is no such word in the dictionary but it was the closest I became to being quite the tourist...I rode the MTR like everybody else...I shopped in the cheap street markets like everybody did, I even ate wanton noodles with the giant meat balls in it at a Chinese eatery with Chinese people inside...not a Caucasian face to be found inside...It was a hilarious experience totally with the waitresses probably laughing behind my back how I did not know how to use the chopsticks and eating the noodles in an unusual way...To hell with them though...this was part of the charm of being a tourist alone and a girl Uninterrupted in her own little world...don't you think so?

For a girl used to the tropics, Hongkong was very cold and this only meant one thing! The streets became a cornucopia of nice sweaters and tweed jackets and legwarmers and boots and colorful scarves and coats and it was a wonderful sight to see...I've never been fond of layering as it was not possible to layer in such a hot country from where I came from but by God i was able to do it in Hongkong out of sheer survival purposes cause it was just biting cold...I know you guys who live in the Northern countries will scorn at me and mock that Hongkong was fucking hot when they were there cause they're used to subzero temperatures at home but fuck off! Being cold and hot is contextual and this is cold for me...and anyway its my body not theirs who is feeling the temperatural kaleidoscope LOL

All in all it was I think an experience that made me learn a lot of things...Not being just conventional and middle-of-the-road by taking the easy way...I did not take a taxi EVER while i was in Hongkong which meant that I probably did accomplish some navigational skills and some geographical hullaballoo and of course some basic reading skills as their subway stations are hilariously simple to understand as to where the trains were going and stuff...but I could say I was proud of myself for accomplishing many things while I was there and that was being a simple tourist who consulted maps and pestered people for directions and got lost sometimes and that was part of the charm of it all....

my curtain call....(myspace entry)

i have had the last laugh haha

isn't it odd when some relationships end...the two parties always make it a point to let the other party know that they are fine, doing very well almost to the point that they make you sense that they're doing better more than ever than when they were with you in that relationship? I guess it's human instinct to try to make the other person feel down about oneself and that one had moved on and that the relationship was something one wanted to forget and abandon because of its forgettability.

Well guess what? isn't it so surprising that the person who felt that he or she was at a disadvantage finally knew that in the end he or she had the last laugh? When he or she discovers that his or her partner was not only lying that he or she had moved on but he or she was doing badly after the relationship and that nothing that changed in his or her life except for the fact that he or she does not have you anymore and he or she will forever mourn that loss? Haha talk about licking one's wounds! When one feels that there was salt and pepper actually added onto those wounds one feels a very innate satisfaction that in the end pretention that one is moving on and having the time of his life is sometimes not the best action to take but admittance that there was a loss when the relationship ended!!!
I finally knew I had the last laugh hahaha!

teacher teacher...(myspace entry)

if i had a teacher which looked like this...oh my Gawd hahahaha

i would......

forget about skipping classes!!!!...

never be late for class!!!!...

join all the clubs he presides in!!!!...

always do my homework!!!!...

participate in classroom discussions!!!!...

be attentive in class!!!!...

forget about classmate interacton!!!!...

raise my hand if he asks something even if i don't know the answer!!!!LOL...

listen intently to every word he says!!!!...

bring him an apple a day!!!!...

volunteer for after class tutorials!!!! hahahahahaha

ugly people...(myspace entry)

beauty is an ideal everywhere you go....you see the face of a famous model in a billboard...or the nice body of a hunk in an underwear ad. Flawless skin graces a famous astringent's box or a gloriously-tanned actress appears on the cover of an international magazine...this is a period in history where beauty is revered as if it were as important as life itself...

when i think about these things my mind leads me to a period in my life where i was still young and had immediate crushes on boys who were virtually nobody in school or who in the opinion of my friends...were ugly...I remember one of my friends asking me who my current crush at that time was and then another friend answered for me saying that all they had to do was find someone unattractive and more than 80f the time that guy would be my latest flame hahaha...It's sometimes funny, sometimes not. But later in life these words led me to ponder...why indeed do I usually find attraction for the mediocre, the innocent and the subtle ones who do not stand out in many people's perspectives?

I do not know the exact answer but one thing i know...whenever I am around attractive people I sense so much ego, there is an atmosphere of arrogance around them or just a whiff of confidence which I often mistake as pride in their looks and I dislike it...I am appalled at the thought that they would think I want to be seen with them or be physically proximate with them because i want to share the limelight or I want to be near them because they are a sight for sore eyes and there is always an erotic motivation to my approaching them...I am turned off by the fact that I am doing this because of these reasons. I do not know if this is a deepseated insecurity or just a fear of rejection...

I do not understand but for me ugly people can be attractive in so many ways...It was more physical when i was in my younger years but now I realize the broad scope that the term "ugly" can cover....it covers also people who have something to hide. An insecurity, a deep dark secret, a liability. These things serve to make us unattractive or maybe not. The presence of these things may not make us perfect but it certainly makes us individual and different and unique. This is probably the appeal that lies in UGLY people for me. Now I understand myself more when I think of these things. Ugliness is not always bad after all...let me tell you...sometimes it pays to be UGLY....

thoughts from the myspace blog...

let's go back in time....

take a look at the entries of my blog from my old (hacked!!!) myspace account...

the next few days ill repost some of the insane but early writings of the earliest thoughts i have ever had the courage to post on the net...

this will all happen so fast because i made many writings too so don't be surprised to find three or four writings in a day...i dint conjure them entries all in one day hahahahahaha

enjoy and have a wonderful glimpse into my persona again....

i love you all...